MY FIRST INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT ✈️

I remember that day fondly, it was on a Sunday 23th April, 2017. The check in time was around 8.30 am but my colleagues decided to be there by 3.00Am since it was their first time on a plane but I was like, “ Naah I have been on local flight before I kinda know how this things operate. Mimi ni OG!”  This would later to be a shock on me! Arrived at the JKIA at round 7.00 in the AM, slightly hangovered coz I had decided to party the previous night. (Lol for some reason, I am always late for flights and probably never sober. I guess its coz I fear heights) .

So I check in, Screening takes around 30-40 minutes, well this is an international terminal and traffic was super crazy.

I hurriedly looked for a duty free shop, bought a few items (Including fobe but not limited to tei!....Well, sawa! I bought Alcohoo! Guilty as charged!! But in my defense like I said, I love to travel high while high in the sky) and started running towards my designated gate. Over the speakers I hear my name and that my plane is ready to depart. Weeeh! Am like,”Sasa hizi ndio gani!” (I didn’t even have time to exchange my Tushillingi’s to Dollare which I would later regret dearly! But si ni life? Ama?) I run like a mad man over to my gate; produce my travel documents and in I went as the gate closed! Pheeeewks!! That was a close shave!! (Maze hii kitu sio kama matatu ati itangoja mtu wa mwisho ndio isonge!)  Haha ungeona the walk of shame I had from the door to my seat!!! But the good thing this is that I had booked a window seat (of course the purpose of this was to document the whole journey. Maheiraas wangejuaje??  Don’t judge me, not everyone is from a rich family, Plus I have to celebrate my small wins in peace!) and also far away from my colleagues (sikutaka waone nikichoma picha).

I take my seat, fasten my seat belt as indicated by a blinking thingy above my head (like I always see in them movies. Si ati nilikua najua hizi vitu!) Ten minutes in and the plane takes off. (In my head am like, “Haha yaani ungewachwa tuu hivyo ehh??” But si I am here in the moment? Twenda sana Pylloti!!) After the whole take off bla-bla-bla (mnaonyeshwa vile kakinuka mnaweza jisave manenos) and we was safe in the Pamba (fyi pamba in this scenario ni clouds. When I was young I used to think cotton grew in the sky. Omujinga sana mimi! 🤣) I decided to take a nap since I hadn’t had an ounce of sleep due to the previous night’s activities and was also very tired. (Macho zilikua zimenyanya kama za Xander *remember him from my previous story?* Mimi huyooo hadi dreamland!)

Mid-flight, I was woken up by a veeery hot! I repeat, a very hoooot Air hostess! (Maze she was Smoooooooking! As Jeff Koinage would put it! Hatataaa!! She was a mare mare!!) Damn I thought she was an angel!! Waait!! Shiiiet!! I am dead?? Was this Heaven?? This place was soo peaceful and quiet I had to pinch myself to make sure it was all real! She had those trolley things with food and hot beverages on top and smiled at me (uwwwwi  Fada Lord!!! Was this a sign?? Was it Fada?? Please give me a sign! Ata kawink tuu and I would have kissed singlehood bye bye!! But it didn’t happen 😤 disappointing… )

She then proceeded to ask the person seated before me (hiyo ni kabla yangu right?Haha Kizungumkuti my friends).....

Hostess: Hello hi *smiling*, “what would you like to have?”

Seat neighbor: “What do you have??”

Hostess: *Stuttering* “Auujujuuuaajaa kringkaaangakaangg  ChezaNaRiengAlafMbogiYaKimonyoski ObnoqsciousOmbwedede Tingalingaling CharloNikikupeaUtawezana?” (That is all I could hear! Atleast what I thought! The last thing I think I heard was fillet! I thought to myself, “Hiyo labda ni Samak!” Maaahn! She was talking too fast plus I was still recovering from the shock of me being dead! Heh! Madam priiss come slowly!)

Seat neighbor: “I will have the Fries & Vegetables please.” *Ahh vegetarian huyu! Yeye na mbuzi same wozzap group!!* (No offense though to my vegetarian peoples.)

Hostess: “Okay.” (She then proceeds to hand over the food in a kasmall tray.) She then looks my way with a  kasmiley face (my mind is like, “Errrr buuuda ni turn yako sasa, cheza na Rieng! But sasa vile kuongea kizungu ni ngori itakuaje?? Ahhh Itabidi nimepambana!)  “What would you like to have Sir?” *In a rather sweat and cool voice* (Did she just call me Sir?? Ama nimeskia zangu?? Mimi, mimi maskini wa mungu nimeitwa Sir?? Eiiish! Well, You can call me Sir Charles from now on 😎.  Ahhh weeeh kae wagethaka!! Sema smile ya mluhya akipita karibu na posho mill!)

Me: “What do you have?”  (Trying to sound as English as possible…Queens English nini, nini…Donge? But my mouth was rounding it off to the nearest nonsense it could find! *Lemmi dedicate myself Aibu by Nandy*)

Hostess: Kriiiikang kangaaaa kiliing kiiiing tiiiiiiiiktoooook MwathaniTwokaBereYaku DrinksNaMayengs VimbadaVimbada NieMainarekeGwere…I couldn’t comprehend fam!! (Yaani rusungu inatokea kwa mapua na ni Mkenya kama mimi!! Saiitan! Nilikua naelea kama crocs kwa beseni!)

Me: (Angoa?? Sasa huyu amesema?....Still trying to ‘load’ from the twengin’ I just heard 🤔…) “Okay, mko na Ugali managu with a splash of Kanyama kako na firifiri ya ubari??”

Hostess: (Looking at me in disbelief… I am sure she was wondering which hole I had crawled out of but she was very civil and calmly asked…) “Would you like Fries & Vegetables for the vegetarian option or Rice & Fish?”

Me: (Aghhh I yam lost buana! I thought ndege wanakuanga na chakula kama zote! Buffet like this! Kwani pesa wanapelekanga wapi?? In my head am like, “Nitakula zote! Na nitafagia mpaka sahani, kwani iko nene!” Uuuuuum but I decided not embarazz myself anymore and opted for the latter.)  “Lemmi have the Rice & Fish please” *Vegetarian kitu gani!* (I managed to mumble something close to that in ‘Queens English’! Hapo ndio rusungu yangu ilikua imefikia mwisho wadau & wadaudetts!)

Hostess: (Still looking at me in disbelief, rather shook…..goes ahead to place the tray in front of me.) Mayoooo!! Mako mako makooo!! Sema disappointment!! (When the food landed in front of my eyes and I saw what I saw…..I wanted to tell the pilot asimamishe ndege nishuke!! Chakula kidogo kama ya siafu!! Disappointment was written all over my face!! Shiiiet!! Hiii pesa yote ya airfare na haka ndiko chakula naletewa!! Kwani kwa ndege watu hupewa snacks?? Hakuna Chakula?? I was soo puzzled!! Ata heri ningebeba Ugali bass yenye niliwacha kwa nyumba!! Nikaanza kukumbuka weedings na mazishi za ocha vile sisi hukula chakula bonge bonge!! Ahhhh nirudishieni pesa zangu nirudi kwetu!! One mouth full and I yam done na hii chakula yao ya upuss!! Baada ya dakika nukta mingi hivi, Msee wa drinks comes over…)

Male Hostess: “What will you have Sir?” (Aghhh ndume siwezi comment. I don’t swing that way.)

Me: (I spot some Whisky, Brandy, Gin and Vodka on the trolley… Na ushamba yangu yote…) “Wekea mimi mixture ya izo tei zote ziko hapo!”

Male hostess: *Astonished *… “Boss si utazima?? (Haha kumbe wanaenza ongea kimtaa??) *He realizes this and switches back real quick* Sorry…what will you have again??" (His face was still in shock at my request)

Me: “Cheki brathe nadai uniwekee cocktail ya izo tei zote uko nazo hapo na itaweza kwa sana zikicome on the rocks!!” (As inspired by English movies. He pours me the drinks as per my request.)

Me (again): “Alafu si unaweza nijenga chaser like this? Izo ma Pick & Peel, maji nini, nini mkubwa na uweke kwa wingi aisaay!!” (Ahhh this guy was tired!! I think he contemplated taking a parachute and jumping off the plane! Maybe he thought of that. Well, I didn’t get the chance to ask him.) Anyways, aliniwekea na akasonga. Mimi nikawachwa pale nimechafua meza ajab! Niko na madrinks but sikua na mayengs but haisuru hawawezi ninyima chakula na waninyime NDOGOGIO!! Nooo nefaaaarr efaaar!!  Nikabaki pale nikipiga durinks zangu polite nikiskiza ngoma on them headphones. I could see my colleagues passing by wakienda restroom but mimi nilikua cloud nainte, above and beyond. Sippin my henythings!! Alafu nikakumbuka nilibuy tei kwa airport nikazichomoa from ze bunker…My table ilikua inakaa nikama niko kwa club pale Kiambu Road. Sherehe nikapiga hadi tukafika. Kichwa ikakua mzito kama ya Ossie, but nilisimama kidete (whatever that means) hadi tukatoka na kujitoa.

“All that has a start must have an end,” wahenga walidakua, but I can’t wait for Rona to end! Sisi watu wa catching flights mtuweke kwa maombi! Deep down we are not okaay!!! We are in Siviaa Pein😭😭!! Sahii ndege tunaona ni kuku ama tukiweka flight mode😂😂!! Anyways, ya Mungu ni mengi ya Kuku ni mayai!!

Bye & Remember to Stay Safe ✌!!

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