MY FIRST INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT ✈️

I remember that day fondly, it was on a Sunday 23th April, 2017. The check in time was around 8.30 am but my colleagues decided to be there by 3.00Am since it was their first time on a plane but I was like, “ Naah I have been on local flight before I kinda know how this things operate. Mimi ni OG!”  This would later to be a shock on me! Arrived at the JKIA at round 7.00 in the AM, slightly hangovered coz I had decided to party the previous night. (Lol for some reason, I am always late for flights and probably never sober. I guess its coz I fear heights) .

So I check in, Screening takes around 30-40 minutes, well this is an international terminal and traffic was super crazy.

I hurriedly looked for a duty free shop, bought a few items (Including fobe but not limited to tei!....Well, sawa! I bought Alcohoo! Guilty as charged!! But in my defense like I said, I love to travel high while high in the sky) and started running towards my designated gate. Over the speakers I hear my name and that my plane is ready to depart. Weeeh! Am like,”Sasa hizi ndio gani!” (I didn’t even have time to exchange my Tushillingi’s to Dollare which I would later regret dearly! But si ni life? Ama?) I run like a mad man over to my gate; produce my travel documents and in I went as the gate closed! Pheeeewks!! That was a close shave!! (Maze hii kitu sio kama matatu ati itangoja mtu wa mwisho ndio isonge!)  Haha ungeona the walk of shame I had from the door to my seat!!! But the good thing this is that I had booked a window seat (of course the purpose of this was to document the whole journey. Maheiraas wangejuaje??  Don’t judge me, not everyone is from a rich family, Plus I have to celebrate my small wins in peace!) and also far away from my colleagues (sikutaka waone nikichoma picha).

I take my seat, fasten my seat belt as indicated by a blinking thingy above my head (like I always see in them movies. Si ati nilikua najua hizi vitu!) Ten minutes in and the plane takes off. (In my head am like, “Haha yaani ungewachwa tuu hivyo ehh??” But si I am here in the moment? Twenda sana Pylloti!!) After the whole take off bla-bla-bla (mnaonyeshwa vile kakinuka mnaweza jisave manenos) and we was safe in the Pamba (fyi pamba in this scenario ni clouds. When I was young I used to think cotton grew in the sky. Omujinga sana mimi! 🤣) I decided to take a nap since I hadn’t had an ounce of sleep due to the previous night’s activities and was also very tired. (Macho zilikua zimenyanya kama za Xander *remember him from my previous story?* Mimi huyooo hadi dreamland!)

Mid-flight, I was woken up by a veeery hot! I repeat, a very hoooot Air hostess! (Maze she was Smoooooooking! As Jeff Koinage would put it! Hatataaa!! She was a mare mare!!) Damn I thought she was an angel!! Waait!! Shiiiet!! I am dead?? Was this Heaven?? This place was soo peaceful and quiet I had to pinch myself to make sure it was all real! She had those trolley things with food and hot beverages on top and smiled at me (uwwwwi  Fada Lord!!! Was this a sign?? Was it Fada?? Please give me a sign! Ata kawink tuu and I would have kissed singlehood bye bye!! But it didn’t happen 😤 disappointing… )

She then proceeded to ask the person seated before me (hiyo ni kabla yangu right?Haha Kizungumkuti my friends).....

Hostess: Hello hi *smiling*, “what would you like to have?”

Seat neighbor: “What do you have??”

Hostess: *Stuttering* “Auujujuuuaajaa kringkaaangakaangg  ChezaNaRiengAlafMbogiYaKimonyoski ObnoqsciousOmbwedede Tingalingaling CharloNikikupeaUtawezana?” (That is all I could hear! Atleast what I thought! The last thing I think I heard was fillet! I thought to myself, “Hiyo labda ni Samak!” Maaahn! She was talking too fast plus I was still recovering from the shock of me being dead! Heh! Madam priiss come slowly!)

Seat neighbor: “I will have the Fries & Vegetables please.” *Ahh vegetarian huyu! Yeye na mbuzi same wozzap group!!* (No offense though to my vegetarian peoples.)

Hostess: “Okay.” (She then proceeds to hand over the food in a kasmall tray.) She then looks my way with a  kasmiley face (my mind is like, “Errrr buuuda ni turn yako sasa, cheza na Rieng! But sasa vile kuongea kizungu ni ngori itakuaje?? Ahhh Itabidi nimepambana!)  “What would you like to have Sir?” *In a rather sweat and cool voice* (Did she just call me Sir?? Ama nimeskia zangu?? Mimi, mimi maskini wa mungu nimeitwa Sir?? Eiiish! Well, You can call me Sir Charles from now on 😎.  Ahhh weeeh kae wagethaka!! Sema smile ya mluhya akipita karibu na posho mill!)

Me: “What do you have?”  (Trying to sound as English as possible…Queens English nini, nini…Donge? But my mouth was rounding it off to the nearest nonsense it could find! *Lemmi dedicate myself Aibu by Nandy*)

Hostess: Kriiiikang kangaaaa kiliing kiiiing tiiiiiiiiktoooook MwathaniTwokaBereYaku DrinksNaMayengs VimbadaVimbada NieMainarekeGwere…I couldn’t comprehend fam!! (Yaani rusungu inatokea kwa mapua na ni Mkenya kama mimi!! Saiitan! Nilikua naelea kama crocs kwa beseni!)

Me: (Angoa?? Sasa huyu amesema?....Still trying to ‘load’ from the twengin’ I just heard 🤔…) “Okay, mko na Ugali managu with a splash of Kanyama kako na firifiri ya ubari??”

Hostess: (Looking at me in disbelief… I am sure she was wondering which hole I had crawled out of but she was very civil and calmly asked…) “Would you like Fries & Vegetables for the vegetarian option or Rice & Fish?”

Me: (Aghhh I yam lost buana! I thought ndege wanakuanga na chakula kama zote! Buffet like this! Kwani pesa wanapelekanga wapi?? In my head am like, “Nitakula zote! Na nitafagia mpaka sahani, kwani iko nene!” Uuuuuum but I decided not embarazz myself anymore and opted for the latter.)  “Lemmi have the Rice & Fish please” *Vegetarian kitu gani!* (I managed to mumble something close to that in ‘Queens English’! Hapo ndio rusungu yangu ilikua imefikia mwisho wadau & wadaudetts!)

Hostess: (Still looking at me in disbelief, rather shook…..goes ahead to place the tray in front of me.) Mayoooo!! Mako mako makooo!! Sema disappointment!! (When the food landed in front of my eyes and I saw what I saw…..I wanted to tell the pilot asimamishe ndege nishuke!! Chakula kidogo kama ya siafu!! Disappointment was written all over my face!! Shiiiet!! Hiii pesa yote ya airfare na haka ndiko chakula naletewa!! Kwani kwa ndege watu hupewa snacks?? Hakuna Chakula?? I was soo puzzled!! Ata heri ningebeba Ugali bass yenye niliwacha kwa nyumba!! Nikaanza kukumbuka weedings na mazishi za ocha vile sisi hukula chakula bonge bonge!! Ahhhh nirudishieni pesa zangu nirudi kwetu!! One mouth full and I yam done na hii chakula yao ya upuss!! Baada ya dakika nukta mingi hivi, Msee wa drinks comes over…)

Male Hostess: “What will you have Sir?” (Aghhh ndume siwezi comment. I don’t swing that way.)

Me: (I spot some Whisky, Brandy, Gin and Vodka on the trolley… Na ushamba yangu yote…) “Wekea mimi mixture ya izo tei zote ziko hapo!”

Male hostess: *Astonished *… “Boss si utazima?? (Haha kumbe wanaenza ongea kimtaa??) *He realizes this and switches back real quick* Sorry…what will you have again??" (His face was still in shock at my request)

Me: “Cheki brathe nadai uniwekee cocktail ya izo tei zote uko nazo hapo na itaweza kwa sana zikicome on the rocks!!” (As inspired by English movies. He pours me the drinks as per my request.)

Me (again): “Alafu si unaweza nijenga chaser like this? Izo ma Pick & Peel, maji nini, nini mkubwa na uweke kwa wingi aisaay!!” (Ahhh this guy was tired!! I think he contemplated taking a parachute and jumping off the plane! Maybe he thought of that. Well, I didn’t get the chance to ask him.) Anyways, aliniwekea na akasonga. Mimi nikawachwa pale nimechafua meza ajab! Niko na madrinks but sikua na mayengs but haisuru hawawezi ninyima chakula na waninyime NDOGOGIO!! Nooo nefaaaarr efaaar!!  Nikabaki pale nikipiga durinks zangu polite nikiskiza ngoma on them headphones. I could see my colleagues passing by wakienda restroom but mimi nilikua cloud nainte, above and beyond. Sippin my henythings!! Alafu nikakumbuka nilibuy tei kwa airport nikazichomoa from ze bunker…My table ilikua inakaa nikama niko kwa club pale Kiambu Road. Sherehe nikapiga hadi tukafika. Kichwa ikakua mzito kama ya Ossie, but nilisimama kidete (whatever that means) hadi tukatoka na kujitoa.

“All that has a start must have an end,” wahenga walidakua, but I can’t wait for Rona to end! Sisi watu wa catching flights mtuweke kwa maombi! Deep down we are not okaay!!! We are in Siviaa Pein😭😭!! Sahii ndege tunaona ni kuku ama tukiweka flight mode😂😂!! Anyways, ya Mungu ni mengi ya Kuku ni mayai!!

Bye & Remember to Stay Safe ✌!!

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FIRST EXPERIENCE TAKING A WEED COOKIE

This story is inspired by true events. However, certain scenes, characters, names, location and events that follow have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes.

The year is 2012 on a Friday somewhere in October. The time is around 4-5 PM. I can't recall the actual time. Location: Some residential village along Thika Road at our favorite bed sitter aka Mansion. Currently we are 5 peoples inside the mansion namely; Charles (yours truly), Xander, Rickon, Bon Jovi and Ossie (not their real names.)  And the events of that fateful Friday evening unfold as follows….

4:30 PM: Kong! Kong! Kong! We hear someone at the door. (We start staring at each other now coz we weren’t expecting any visitors at the time. But we were accustomed to getting visitors so it’s not a big deal.)

Xander: “Wacha niangalie ni nani.” (He walks to the door, opens and see it’s someone we don’t actually know.)

Xander: “Vipi brathe, nikusaidiaje?”

Visitor: “Poa sana. Mimi ni kwekwe dealer na nimecome kucheki kama unaweza sample merch nauza hapa kwa bei nafuu.” (Kwekwe is slang for weed/pot for those who don’t know.) By this time I had overheard bits and pieces of the convo, ofcourse the mansion is small so nitakosaje kuskia? and I was very curious to know what merch this guy was selling. I move towards the door where the trade was taking place. (It happened that he was selling weed cookies. Are we togeza?)

Xander: “Unauza how much brathe??”

Kwekwe Dealer: “Ni 30bob pekee.”

Xander: “Niiiiice *excited* hata hatukua na form! Nipee za rwabe (200/-) na uniongeze maze.”

Kwekwe Dealer: “Ahh lazima! Ata wewe ndio customer wangu wa kwanza!”

(No sooner had the “merch” been purchased, Xander shoved 2 whole ones inside his mouth. Mimi naye ni nani! I swallowed a whole one without hesitation *Kufa dereva, kufa makamga* and we both went inside…)

Xander: "Nani anadai Weed Cookie?"

Rickon, Bon Jovi and Ossie excited, “Letaaa.” (They all receive one each.)

5.00 PM: Rickon: (Time is moving rather slow) “Kwani hizo vitu ni fake aje hazishiki!!! Woi Xander hapo umeporwa maze!! Mbesha imeogelea.”

All in unison: “Baaaana!!! Izo vitu ni bonoko!!”

Xander: “Ahh ni sawa tuu. Haina ile” and we continue watching a movie we was watching...

6.00 PM: Another knock at the door…Kong! Kong! Kong! Hodi goko? It is our lightskin friend, Zorra and her friend. Ossie welcomes them inside and guess what our welcome snack is? Of course it’s the kwekwe cookies!!

Xander: “Mnadai Cookie? (There is two remaining by now) Zorra and the friend look at each other with suspicion and ask, “Ni Cookies gani hizo?? “

Xander: Scoffs “Hehe ni cookies tuu.”

Zorra: Tupee moja basi tugawane. Siwaamini nyinyi!” (She takes one and shares with the friend.)

I take the remaining one and share with Rickon, Bon Jovi and Ossie.

6.30 PM: Shit starts getting interesting….Zorra and the friend say they want to dance. (We all nod in unison as a sign of approval) They start dancing without any music playing! Grinding and shiet! Haha we are all there buzzed feeling like gorillas in a zoo looking at them shake what their mama’s gave them. I ask Zorra, “mko poa kweli?” Zorra laughs…(si you know that hysterical laugh stoners do?? Yes that one!!!) And continue dancing to no music! Everybody is now completely perplexed.

Ossie: “Alaa hapa form ni gani??” (While ogling at them..)

Rickon: “Ata sijui bana!”

Bon Jovi: “Inakaa zao zimeshika ajab!”

Me: “Aii kwani zao zimerepoti haraka aje?? Weak peoples hawa!” (They continue dancing till it starts getting dark outside...)

7.00PM: Me: “Wasee masaa mbaya! Itabidi twendee supper ama leo hatukuli??”

Squad: “Ehhh tweendee lazima tukule buana!!!”

Ossie: “Minyoo lazima tuipee haki!”

Zorra: “Ehh its getting late pia mimi nataka kwenda home. Lakini naskia funny!” (We are all aware that she’s buzzed from what we had seen.)

Zorra’s Friend: “Ehh pia mimi naskia funny” (and they both do the bhangi laugh. If u’ve watched people who stone you will understand)

Me: “Ahh hiyo itaisha. Sisi hatuskii kitu!” Ebu twendeni...(I will probably write about their experiences some other day.)

Wacha niendelee na hii yetu...

7.30 PM: We are back and have finished buying viungo vya sappa!

I am first on line to cook Ugali. Well I cooked around 3kgs of Ugali that day! I don’t even know how I pulled that off! (Well, iliiva fity na nikaweka kando.)

Up next was Bon Jovi cooking cabbage with a few sprinkles of Sosi Soya. (Aiii ni nyamaaa?? Si Nyama!! If you know, you know) Sahii Xander ako kwa desktop anafinya screen. Nigga is buzzed AF!! (We all start laughing at him.) Dude couldn't even hear us; he is just there making gestures at the screen like he is flying some imaginary spaceship. Macho nazo zilikua zimenyanya kuruka. (I now realize we are fucked!!!The cookies were now taking over and Xander had eaten two big ones!!!  Makoshaaa!)

8.00 PM: Food is served. Ossie suggests we hang the ugali  kwa ukuta tukue tunakata kama vile nyama hukatwa kwa butchery vile ilikua kubwa! Haha Mahn! Iyo siku tulikula nikama hatujawai kula tena maishani! Ugali about 3Kgs was laid to rest in a couple of minutes!! Alafu since Xander was too buzzed to even move, we cleared his plate too!! Ulafi gani hii I was wondering!! Appetite ilikua kama ya combined harvester!! Cheii!!  

8.00 PM: We are soo full nobody is talking. Xander I think by now had already left the galaxy mbecause his space ship thingy was still in action! We decide to rest, let the food simmer in our matumbos! Rickon is laughing by himself. He then starts to laugh out loudly! I think he has lost it!!! Shiet we all gon die!! I am also laughing at anything that looks funny! Everything is looking funny!!!

9.00 PM:   Xander has not stopped his spaceship act yet! Nigga still flying through time!! I decide to get out of the house, well coz I thought I could not breathe at the time. Paranoia was kicking in!!! I felt like my comrades were sucking all the oxygen in the room even after several attempts of opening all of the windows, including the one in the bathroom. At some point I could see smoke all over zeh mansion but there was no fire! What the fuack was happening!!!

 And time was moving really, really slow!! Like speed ya Konokono!

10.00 PM: I still think I have difficulty in breathing. I am seated by the door trying to breathe all the fresh air I could grasp. It was still not enough!! Maze I wanted more air.! I call Ossie outside...

Me: “Ossie maze wewe unaskia aje??”

Ossie: “Kiaje brathe??”

Me: “Wewe unaskia ni kama unabreathe poa??”

Ossie: (Confused) “Eeehh ni ngori lakini kichwa ndio mzito kuliko mwili!!” (He is now panicking….Nobody is behaving normally… *if we continue to behave normaree…..this thing would treat us abnomaree.)

Ossie: “Oya! Rickon ebu come kiasi”…(his hands are now on akimbo mode)

Rickon: (Walks up to the door..well composed) “Vipi??”

Ossie: “Wewe unaskia aje??” (But..but I had just asked him that right now? The heeeck?)

Rickon: “Aiii me naskia fete mbaya!!! Niko cloud Tisini!” (Nigga had done kwekwe before, this was not his first rodeo.)

Me: (Interrupting) “Huskii nikama huwezi breathe?? Nikama chwest imekua mzito?”

Rickon: “Zii mimi nko tuu fete.”

Me: “Maze me naskia kutoka mbio hadi K.U health unit wanipime, waniambie ni nini mbaya! Siskii kama nabreathe vizuri.”

Rickon: (Starts laughing hysterically.) “Inaitwa Bhangi brathe.”

Ossie: (By now nigga is too scared. You could see it in his face) “Aii ata kama, hii ilikua na uchawi.”

Me: “Maze Rickon, Rickon acha kucheka hii kitu ni seriouzz!!!”

Rickon: (Calmly asks) Utaenda kusema ni nini imekuhappenia huko K.U?”

Me: “Nitasema kuna msee hatumjui alicome akatuuzia cookies ziko na bhangi, kokaine na poison!”

Rickon: (Starts laughing again. This time louder) “Acheni kunibamba!”

Ossie: “Aghh weh Charlo tuishie hosi madze!!”

Rickon: “Tulieni. Hakuna kitu hii stuff itawafanya.”

Me: “Ama nipigie Chan...(not her real name, she was studying nursing at the time somewhere at eastside. My big fam that one! Big Shout out to you!)...nimuulize symptoms za kua poisoned ni gani??” I think tulipoisoniwa maguys!” 

If you are wondering where Bon Jovi was all this time well, he was inside the house listening very calmly. I think zake hazikua zimeshika sana! Later on, I came to realize that it was fear that had crippled him to the bed. Dude could not move. Xander naye alikua asha disappear into a black hole by now. My guy slept touching the computer the whole night.

Rickon: “Nyinyi tulieni by kesho mtakua poa.”

Me: “Sawa (I managed to calm down) But hii ikizidi me nitakimbia hadi Hosi!” (and we entered the mansion.)

11.00PM: Ossie: “Yaani mimi nilitoka kwa mama yangu nikuje nikufie Nairobi??” (Dude was almost in tears. You could see his watery eyes. Machoss!!)

Bon Jovi: (Trying to regain his composure) “Oya Ossie ebu funga izo window hadi za bafu. Uyo jamaa anaweza kua alitupoison ndio akuje atuibie ama atubebe usiku tukiwa tumededi.”

Me: “Ehh maze anaweza kuja atuharvest makagari (private parts) usiku. Si unajua ni kafefte (50 Gees)” (at that time there was some rumors that people were harvesting private parts to be sold for witchcraft purposes.)

Ossie: (Super sacred) “Walai?” (While making sure all the widows are shut completely) Thinking out aloud “Mungu aki, mimi sitawai rudia kukula hii kitu tena nikirudi poa.”

Bon Jovi: “Pia mimi!”

Me: “Walai pia mimi!” (as I spread on the mattress ready to sleep. Rickon was already asleep by now. I would occasionally call or tug him to make sure he wasn’t dead.)

Ossie: “Walai sioni nikilala leo.” He was seated by the corner of the bed, super sad and still paranoid. Shaakaa!!! Sad nigga hours those ones!!!

Me: “Uniamshe ukikufa!”

Ossie: “Walai we Charlo joke tuu.”

Me: “Atleast tutaenda mbinguni tukiwa high. Imagine being high up there while high?”

Bon Jovi: “Haha gui!! Laleni fiti!!”

Me: “Kesho!” (To Ossie),“Aye watchman twende kazi!” (and slept off)

Later on Ossie would check up on everyone to see if we were still breathing and he later slept it off. 

The next morning we woke up laughing from our previous night’s vitimbi and swore never to partake anything like that ever again in our lives! To this day I am still afraid of those things. Even touching them!! Infact we all are!! Xander got back to normal after two days of being high, always seated by the desktop, his gaze always far away in the galaxy. Rickon’s laugh changed henceforth. I think kuna screws zilianguka hiyo day. Bon Jovi and Ossie wako tuu sawa. As for me well, si niko hapa nawapea hekaya???

(Read the next part in Dj Afro’s Voice) Shasha basi ahh biirrraa shaka aahh tumefika mwisho mwisho wa hadithi…na aahh kwakweri, kirichoo na mwanzo aahh beshi razimaa…kiwe na mwishooo!!!

Thank you for coming to my TED talk. See you at my next epic story.